Bizness: CHANGE

Admitting there is a problem: Step #1

I have been asked several times, ( now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure, it was by the same person), what is it that caused me to "change"? My answer has always been the same: no one thing. It was an avalanche of misses, disappointments, a hollowness that was not tangible but ever present. It followed me where ever I went and touched everything I touched.
The only clarity I found to this vacuum of despair was the truth that I had a long list of things I was not. As if that idea brought any light or encouragement; it didn't. But it was still the truth. For example, I was not nice, I was not gentle, I was not peaceful. I was not joyful. I was not giving. Sigh, how depressing, right? Exactly. It was and is.
 I had many close friends who could give me very updated examples counteracting my struggle with the truth.  When I would say " I'm mean", they would share many example of my niceness. When I would say, I should be this or that, they would compliment me with what I offered them that others couldn't. The encouragement wouldn't hold, because in the still and deep recesses of my heart and soul, I knew that my niceness was surface, my honesty was heavy with a mean spirit, my giving was draped in selfishness and the honest truth was that whatever I did had a stench to it. Anything good in me did not penetrate to the hardened places of my heart and soul. So for every good thing I was or did, I knew the truth. I stnink!
What was my measurement, you might ask? What caused me to be so wickedly self critical? For clarification purposes, I don't think it was self criticism, okay, a lot of it was, however there was a nagging truth that wasn't mean or terrible because it was true. The shreds of truth that was there allowed me to have a bit of self analysis...reflection. It served as my mirror. So what was I using as my mirror? Wait for it...
Jesus.
Come on. Really?
Yes.
How's that for a high expectation? For real though, I have confessed to be a Christian, a real one, since I was 18, and truly, I didn't seem very Christian from the inside out. And I knew that if I meant what I said, that I was a Christian, shouldn't I be more like Jesus? Isn't that the whole point?

The Truth IS

I have had the truth of God's word buried deep in my heart from many sources. And just like all things true, you can't escape it. The truth has a way of burning through all the things that can't withstand its purity and heat. Even if you bury this small nugget of truth as a cinder, it smolders. The heat and sharpness of this truth does not stay buried.

Here's a great example of how this truth constantly exposed itself and interrupted my life:
 when The Word says "you're a new creation in Christ", if I truly were a new creation in Christ, why am I still the same? Since I was 18, I feel like not much about me has changed. The core of me then, was still the core of me at 34. Harsh! How sad really. Out of all the things I had learned and been through and I hadn't grown a bit.
 When The Word says " be not conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."  There was not much of me that was new or refreshing. Nothing had changed in me. There was no newness anywhere, I felt like that stale cup of water sitting by the bed for 3 days. When you drink it, it's not refreshing or delightful, as water should be to a thirsty person. Ouch. I'm a stale cup of water. As an optimist should think, at least I'm water.
 When it says in The Word, "out of the abundance of your heart, the mouth speaks", For all who know me, I sure like to say things. My mouth sure does speak, and you should hear the things I say out loud. Ear Muffs every body!. The best part about my speaking is I like to be heard, especially by the ones I wanted to hurt. My tongue was/is a weapon, and I was careless and dangerous with all its might.
This was the nail in this dead woman's coffin.
There it is people, evidence. The proof  I needed that there was no life in me. For all the good I had done, it did not balance out the destruction I brought. I tore down as I was building up. I was going no where in all I did. I felt pointless spinning my wheels aimlessly.
 My mouth spoke volumes of what was truly buried in my heart. My measuring stick,  my mirror, The Word, showed me that the castle and kingdom I had spent years building and living in was crumbling under the weight of its own stones. I could change the system in which I measured myself and I could hang around other crumbling castles to make myself feel regal, but the hot coals of truth had been steaming under these castle walls for awhile.  All the camouflaging and adapting and moving around wasn't shaking the shadow of the unchanging truth.
I was not who The Word said I was suppose to be.
Somehow, this came as a great relief to finally recognize it.
 If I profess to be a Christian, but there is nothing Christian about me, instead of arguing the point and being offended, I only had 2 choices: change my beliefs or change my way of thinking. I chose the latter.

Demolition:

 For the past year I have allowed the great demolition of my heart to finally happen. I didn't put up much of a fight, because to be honest it felt good to finally tear down the very things holding me down, crushing me. My foundation of being, at 35, has been shaken, crushed and uprooted. As my walls lay in crumbles I have forced myself to look at each piece. After all, I built it. Its mine. I have dissected, and exposed each part and now see its crookedness (after all this time swearing it had been straight and sound). I was a HOT mess.

Rebuilding:

 In the process of rebuilding it has become abundantly clear why these walls could not have stood. There has been a lot of ungodly ideas and beliefs that built these walls up high and thick. As they crumbled for me, I built up more of them just to hold up the failing ones. Sounds logical, but very exhausting work.
So the transformation and conformity to Truth started with demolition, the tearing down of common and accepted lies. The destruction of who I was may have seemed pointless from the outside in ( a true midlife crisis!), but as I have walked through this very painful process, it has been freeing and oddly enough Joy-filled. The rebuilding process is a work for The Tortoise. Slow and steady. Intentional and Purpose-filled.   With Christ as my corner stone, my foundation, I have a better chance of living life now, and not just coping with it.
to be continued...